By Dr. Jim Bailey
A fun fact about me – the mute symbol on my TV remote is worn off. The television is only six months old, and the mute button is worn because I have a habit of muting the sound during commercials. I’ve never had patience for TV ads that attempt to sell me laundry detergent under the premise that life will be better if my underwear smells like lilacs, skin and hair products that will make me look unusually young when I’m lying in my coffin, or diabetes medications that will turn my neighborhood into a Broadway musical.
I guess it’s only fitting that my patience was worn thin and the arthritis in my thumb inflamed by the many political ads that accumulated ahead of the recent election. Ironically, most of these used similar tactics as the other ads, aimed at making me believe that voting for their candidate would make me a better person, give me smoother skin, and generally make life better. The fact of the matter is that in a few short weeks, days, and maybe even hours after the election, there were new reasons to be discontented.
Discontent seems to be an intractable and unique aspect of human life. You never see it in animals – when was the last time you heard a cat complaining that she felt fat or your dog asking for better looking or smelling food? Rather than self-awareness and contemplative thought, discontent may be the thing that truly separates us from animals. Discontent is so common among humans that we have derogatory terms for contented people like “blissfully ignorant,” “happy idiot,” or the old fashioned “Pollyanna.”
Attainment doesn’t seem to impact our contentment level. John D. Rockefeller, the world’s first billionaire, famously answered the question, “How much money is enough?” by quipping, “Just a little bit more!” We might think a lottery win, shorter work week, or more vacation days would give us a feeling of “enough,” but how many people do you know who consistently feel content? Even those of us who have eschewed materialism and sought simpler lives still find ourselves wanting that one thing or experience we haven’t yet attained. At some point we all find ourselves, yet again, looking for another thing or experience to fill a longing in our relationships, lifestyle, or jobs.
Some folks go to war against their discontent in a self-help effort to become better humans. They may attempt to detach themselves from the material world by practicing eastern philosophies, or embrace gratitude, thankfulness, and remembrance practices from the Judeo-Christian traditions, with the aim of displacing their longings and attaining more contentment. Certainly, these have some value and may help us experience more serenity, but they too often fail to recognize the base conditions that lead to discontent.
In my work, I must constantly remind myself that people don’t need relief from their symptoms, they need a cure from what truly ails them. To truly address our discontent, we must understand it as a symptom of a much deeper problem. Author C.S. Lewis, who is most famous for The Chronicles of Narnia, had insight and understanding into this human condition. He surmised that our work and life experiences can’t ever give us deep and lasting satisfaction because we were created for a different kind of world.
Lewis put it this way: “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it… so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage.” In other words, we should be grateful for those things and experiences that provide us with a sense of joy, satisfaction, and contentment, but we should never look to them to give us something more permanent.
That doesn’t mean we should settle for less. It’s a good idea to think carefully about what makes a job fit who you are and the life you want. I like to tell my career coaching clients, “There are things your work can give you and there are things it cannot. The wise person understands the limits of our work to satisfy the longings of our hearts.” The same is true about our relationships and the other things we pursue in this life – we are well served to think carefully about what and why we are trying to attain these things, but none of them can deliver a true, deep, and lasting sense of satisfaction. Expecting them to satisfy our longings sets you up for a life of endless pursuit, followed by disappointment, disillusionment, and frustration.